Employee horror story

Employee horror story

As it’s Halloween I thought I’d share a horror story with you, but then I realised that pretty much all of my emails are horror stories about things that employers try and get away with, and I wasn’t sure whether I had anything that could reach new levels of horror.

And then I came across this tongue in cheek offering.

It’s a joke – thankfully – but well worth a read – it’s more reflecting of some workplaces than you’d think!

(Please note, it is not politically correct, so if you are easily offended about the employer/employee relationship, look away now!)

A letter sent out by a new HR Manager at an undisclosed company.

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada trainers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned.

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

You should not consider removing anything.

We hired you intact.

To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday & Sunday.

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.

The holidays are as follows: January 1 & December 25

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order.

For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘ A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘ B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker.

Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the ‘trap’ door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘ Chronic Offenders’ category.

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Just to be clear – DO NOT send this out!

Happy Halloween!

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    If you are an employee and feel that you have been treated badly, then we strongly advise you to contact ACAS:

    Call the ACAS Helpline on 0300 123 1100 for free support and advice.

    Simply get in touch and they'll provide you with clear and confidential guidance about any kind of dispute or query that you have about relationship issues within the workplace.

    You may want to know about employment rights and rules, best practice or you may need advice about a dispute.

    Whatever it is, just give ACAS a call, their team are on hand to respond within the hours: Monday-Friday, 8am-8pm and Saturday, 9am-1pm.

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