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Employee horror story

Written by Carolyne Wahlen

As it’s Halloween I thought I’d share a horror story with you, but then I realised that pretty much all of my emails are horror stories about things that employers try and get away with, and I wasn’t sure whether I had anything that could reach new levels of horror.

And then I came across this tongue in cheek offering.

It’s a joke – thankfully – but well worth a read – it’s more reflecting of some workplaces than you’d think!

(Please note, it is not politically correct, so if you are easily offended about the employer/employee relationship, look away now!)

A letter sent out by a new HR Manager at an undisclosed company.

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada trainers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned.

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

You should not consider removing anything.

We hired you intact.

To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday & Sunday.

HOLIDAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.

The holidays are as follows: January 1 & December 25

TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order.

For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘ A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘ B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.

If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker.

Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the ‘trap’ door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘ Chronic Offenders’ category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Just to be clear – DO NOT send this out!

Happy Halloween!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

About Carolyne Wahlen

Carolyne is the founder and owner of Gap HR. She's seen what works in HR and what doesn’t, and has practical answers to real problems that small businesses can apply with immediate effect.

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Schedule a meeting with Carolyne

• We exist to help you stay legal, compliant and profitable, without shelling out for an in-house HR manager.

• Our founder Carolyne has worked in people management since 1995, which means you’ve got decades of experience you can rely on.

• Over 170 clients benefit from the experience and expertise of the Gap HR team.

 


Call Us: 01491 598 600

 


email us: cw@gaphr.co.uk

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Where our clients are:

Mark Ghafoor, KCC Basildon

“Whether it’s a simple question or a more complex query, GAP HR have ensured that we have the most up to date knowledge of current legislation and processes to ensure we can offer the best support to our teams.
It is reassuring to know that expert advice is only a phone call or video conference away!”

Deb Green, Vermatech Pest Control

“We have been using Gap HR for several years now. Carolyne and her team are professional and efficient and we would not hesitate in recommending them for small businesses. It is a great relief to know we are supported by them for our HR advice and paperwork is kept up to date.”

Justin Wilkie, 2Excel Logistics

“I have been working with Carolyne and her team for 6 years now , when I first purchased 2Excel Logistics I found the HR scary as I wanted to do the right thing for my staff , with Gap HR on my side this all seemed easy and we have gone from 9 staff to 28 with no hassle what so ever , thank you to all at Gap HR”

Ashley Lewis, Wallingford Tiles and Bathrooms

“So pleased to be working with Gap HR. They’ve straightened us out in no time. Their pricing is clear and they really know what they are talking about.”

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“We are a growing company but do not have facilities in house yet for HR services in house. Gap HR is our go to service for all kinds of advice about HR for our business and we have found them very reliable, communicative and efficient. Would definitely recommend them”

“Carolyne and team continue to provide great support to our business, with quick and accurate responses to help with our various HR needs.”

“Gap HR have been at our side for a number of years now and are a great help in dealing with our HR needs”

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